KittysDen

Hello all,

 

Well.. I suppose it's time for me to update my bolg ( sorry for falling behind on this)...

 

I am all moved out of the apartment Chuck & I shared & moved in with my brother. Now I am working on settling in a bit. I have a new job working for Hertz Car Rentals. I clean the cars, help move them around town, as well as  pick up/drop off customers. I am enjoying the job and am looking forward to staying with the company for a long time.

 

Chuck is moved to Nevada. He is working there and is enjoying his job....We talk daily... if even 4 to 5 times a day if it is possible.. We still love each other verry much and have hopes of our relationship working out no matter what other people say.... although both of us is aware that it is possible that it may not.

 

I had to go to the emergency room yesterday because my right are was hurting... it felt like i had a pinched nerve... and come to find out... that is what they think was going on.. I was put on steroids & given some pain killers which seem to be helping me.. my arm does not seem to bother me as much as it did yesterday.

 

I FINALLY started my visitations up again this past weekend. I picked up my boys after I got off work Friday. They slept in my bedroom on the bunkbed while I slept on the couch..Saturday morning we all got up and I took them to APEX recreation center to swim while I was at work... This worked out perfectly !! While I was dropping them off, I got resident ID cards for all 3 of us and then became a member of the Recreation center... so now I am beginning to work out and working on loosing a LOT of this weight I have gained over the last 8 years .

 

Today I joined a website that my brother belongs to and am hoping to meet new friends as well as other people to ride motorcycles with .

 

Well I will close this blog for now.. but wanted to give a quick update to everyone out there in cyberland.

 

Bright Blessings,

Kitty

 

All of this stress is getting to me. I had a very very bad nightmare this morning. The scene- My sister, another person, and me in this small yard...Tiny was there also along with 2 small animals ( like beavers?) and an alligator...there was a door I was able to hide behind....I kept trying to call Tiny to me but it was like she was barking at my sister & wanting to play with her... these beavers were trying to attack us along with the alligator....next thing I know I saw the alligator swoop tiny up in its mouth and all I can hear is yelping...a lot of yelping....it makes me sick to my stomache to type this... when the yealping started, I ran away and at the same time I can hear my sister screaming... oh the pain in my heart... I woke up after that ....I am so glad that was not real.. I love my Tiny so much *sigh*

Ok.. SO here is the real and FINAL deal with me & how I see it.

My decision is to stay here and move in with my brother. I have talked it over with Chuck and he no longer wishes to be married. So I see that chapter in my life has come to an end eventhough I have tried my hardest for it not to. Oh well.. Marriage is just not for me I suppose.

Yes.. I will have to give up my dogs.. Im not sure for how long, but this is a situation beyond my control. Chuck has told me that his dad is NOT paying for his deposit or first months rent at his new apartment. This is news to me as I have no clue how Chuck now seems to be able to afford his first months rent and his 2nd months rent as well as moving expenses. He only has like 2 more weeks before he has to start moving out there..THAT is not MY worry tho... so I freely give that to him :-D

My worry: getting another job.. I did apply for a couple places out in Vegas today.. but if they call, I will just have to tell them that my plans have changed and I am no longer relocating. *sigh*.. I applied at a couple more local places tonight. Will just see where I can go and get employment- bleah! Maybe at a later date I can move on my own or out to Vegas? We will see huh?

I have a LOT on my mind and I am stressed out. I am emotionally drained because this is not what I want to happen. I feel Chucks situation is not stable enough with me in his life for me to follow him out to Vegas. He told me that he does not like my recent employment record. He worries that I wont be able to hold a job. I feel that it would not be a good situation also for us to live together out there as he has told me that he no longer wants a marriage, so that would leave us as just friends... Kinda like roomates in a 1 bedroom... I don't need that for my self esteem... forget it......I think what I need more is to stay out here with someone that is looking out for MY well-being. Chuck is looking out for himself. That is fine.. I guess we have to all look out for our ourselves... But I also have my kids too... he does not have any to worry about.

So this is where this is leaving me now:

I will stay here & move in with my brother. Rehome my dogs. Look for employment. PRAY I find something SOON! lol!!!!! I will file for divorce, ask for alimoney, and work on becomming independant.

Chuck will go to Vegas, and as I currently see it... he is putting himself in a financial hole. A much larger one than he already is in.. This is a small round about figure of what kind of money he will need to move from here to there & survive for a month:

UHaul rental - $500 + $100 deposit + gas ( 10 mi/gal X 744 mi @ 2.90/gal = $ 215.00 gas for the truck) Total = $815 His car ~ $78  Pro- rated Rent for March = $ 250.. Rent for April due 4/1 = $595   + $350 for a gun  -- extra gas for 2 weeks $40 -- Food $50

Lets just add this approx figure he would need TOTAL by 4/2 = $1,828 Then you add the gun fee = $2178 ( if he wants to eat & put gas in his car for the month of April = + 200 = $2378 by 4/30

By 5/1 he will need another $595 for a grand total of $$$ $2,973  $$$ And that is without ANY extras..

Ok I have just spent waaay too much time figuring out Chucks expenses LOL I havent even figured out my expenses LOL

Well I think I need to get my butt into bed .. UGH! too much on my mind.. too much caffeine ...I will post more as more happens *sigh*

Good night cruel world

Kitty

 I am soo stressed out. I talked to Chuck today. I felt in talking to him on the phone earlier that something was not right. I finally got out of him what has been on his mind today. ME going to Vegas with him... He is holding against me what has happened with my employment the last few years. He thinks I wont be able to hold a job there. Just because crap has happened to me and I have lost a job the last few years for one reason or another....He asked me if I got a job there and lost it in a few months, what would I do? I told him I would get another... but he doesnt seem to beleive me.

Then he goes on to tell me that he no longer cares about the relationship. He no longer wants to be married. He cares about me, but he does not care anymore about the marriage.

So here we go again... up ...down....up.....down.....I can almost care less about life anymore... I cant seem to find a job here in Colorado if my life depended on it. No one here wants to hire me.. why? I have no idea...I never get an answer from anyone...

Now.. once again.... I am looking at staying here and giving up my dogs.. FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!!

He just texted me asking if I would still cut his hair tonight.. I replied " you should have put that in your budget".. he replied " ok" ... ASSHOLE!!!

Im so wigged out right now.. I dont know what to do.. Sorry all.. Im emotionally drained and he hasn' come home yet from work.

Yes... I made my decision. I have decided to move to Vegas with my husband and seek employment there myself. I am so fustrated with the job market here in Colorado. I feel I do not have a lot to loose by making a go at life out there. Sure... I have my kids, and I will miss them till I got situated, but I will make changes so that we could still see each other for a while during the year. By moving to Vegas with my husband, I will be able to keep my dogs. My little girls. I can not imagine live without them in it. We would take our parrot & 2 dogs with us. Cut waaaaaay down on the needless clutter we have aquired over the years, and only take what we REALLY needed. We can always get extra furniture off craigslist LOL. Needless to say I am a lot less stressed and quite a bit happier about this decision. I am just totally scared to be so far a way form my kids ( a 12 hour drive), and also this will be my first time outside of Colorado since 1989 ! I am also a bit scared as to how my ex is going to react to this news... I can only imagine it wont be good. Well I have to find a way to get employment! UGH! Not looking forward to telling him. I will tell my boys when they come for visitation this next time. This may be their last visitation for a while too.. We will see how things pan out. Well I will close this blog for now.. but please know... I am a lot happier now that i had made this decision. Bright Blessings Kitty

UGH! I hate making them...Decisions...Espically with very little guiadiance from people I trust. I just do not know what to do. I am caught in the middle. I love my husband which got a job in a different state...and I love my teenage boys that live here. I am having a tough time finding work here. I should hear about a cashier job at a truck stop sometime today... as the time ticks by, I am thinking I have a lesser and lesser chance of getting the job.. But I am still trying to keep hope. If I dont get this job, then what? how long will it be before I can find another job? Do I stay here where finding employment is tough, or do I go to Vegas and at least try and see what is there and see if I like it..... see if it would be easier for me to get employment and for us to make ends meet. I am seriousley thinking of going there to Vegas to at least try and see. As much as I would hate to be away from my boys.... I am going to talk and think about this...This is by far one of the hardest decisions I will have to make in my life.

I just got word that Chuck got the job in vegas. He starts March 20th... THANKS for the fucking notice CHUCK ASSWIPE!! I have now permenantly kicked him out on the couch forever..now Im busy for the next 30 days - UGH!