Kitty's profileKittysDenPhotosBlogListsMore  |  Tools Help |
|
February 24 A nightmare I had last night ( this morning)All of this stress is getting to me. I had a very very bad nightmare this morning. The scene- My sister, another person, and me in this small yard...Tiny was there also along with 2 small animals ( like beavers?) and an alligator...there was a door I was able to hide behind....I kept trying to call Tiny to me but it was like she was barking at my sister & wanting to play with her... these beavers were trying to attack us along with the alligator....next thing I know I saw the alligator swoop tiny up in its mouth and all I can hear is yelping...a lot of yelping....it makes me sick to my stomache to type this... when the yealping started, I ran away and at the same time I can hear my sister screaming... oh the pain in my heart... I woke up after that ....I am so glad that was not real.. I love my Tiny so much *sigh*  February 23 My plans for my life.....Ok.. SO here is the real and FINAL deal with me & how I see it. My decision is to stay here and move in with my brother. I have talked it over with Chuck and he no longer wishes to be married. So I see that chapter in my life has come to an end eventhough I have tried my hardest for it not to. Oh well.. Marriage is just not for me I suppose. Yes.. I will have to give up my dogs.. Im not sure for how long, but this is a situation beyond my control. Chuck has told me that his dad is NOT paying for his deposit or first months rent at his new apartment. This is news to me as I have no clue how Chuck now seems to be able to afford his first months rent and his 2nd months rent as well as moving expenses. He only has like 2 more weeks before he has to start moving out there..THAT is not MY worry tho... so I freely give that to him :-D My worry: getting another job.. I did apply for a couple places out in Vegas today.. but if they call, I will just have to tell them that my plans have changed and I am no longer relocating. *sigh*.. I applied at a couple more local places tonight. Will just see where I can go and get employment- bleah! Maybe at a later date I can move on my own or out to Vegas? We will see huh? I have a LOT on my mind and I am stressed out. I am emotionally drained because this is not what I want to happen. I feel Chucks situation is not stable enough with me in his life for me to follow him out to Vegas. He told me that he does not like my recent employment record. He worries that I wont be able to hold a job. I feel that it would not be a good situation also for us to live together out there as he has told me that he no longer wants a marriage, so that would leave us as just friends... Kinda like roomates in a 1 bedroom... I don't need that for my self esteem... forget it......I think what I need more is to stay out here with someone that is looking out for MY well-being. Chuck is looking out for himself. That is fine.. I guess we have to all look out for our ourselves... But I also have my kids too... he does not have any to worry about. So this is where this is leaving me now: I will stay here & move in with my brother. Rehome my dogs. Look for employment. PRAY I find something SOON! lol!!!!! I will file for divorce, ask for alimoney, and work on becomming independant. Chuck will go to Vegas, and as I currently see it... he is putting himself in a financial hole. A much larger one than he already is in.. This is a small round about figure of what kind of money he will need to move from here to there & survive for a month: UHaul rental - $500 + $100 deposit + gas ( 10 mi/gal X 744 mi @ 2.90/gal = $ 215.00 gas for the truck) Total = $815 His car ~ $78 Pro- rated Rent for March = $ 250.. Rent for April due 4/1 = $595 + $350 for a gun -- extra gas for 2 weeks $40 -- Food $50 Lets just add this approx figure he would need TOTAL by 4/2 = $1,828 Then you add the gun fee = $2178 ( if he wants to eat & put gas in his car for the month of April = + 200 = $2378 by 4/30 By 5/1 he will need another $595 for a grand total of $$$ $2,973 $$$ And that is without ANY extras.. Ok I have just spent waaay too much time figuring out Chucks expenses LOL I havent even figured out my expenses LOL Well I think I need to get my butt into bed .. UGH! too much on my mind.. too much caffeine ...I will post more as more happens *sigh* Good night cruel world Kitty Plans changed AGAIN !!!!
Then he goes on to tell me that he no longer cares about the relationship. He no longer wants to be married. He cares about me, but he does not care anymore about the marriage. So here we go again... up ...down....up.....down.....I can almost care less about life anymore... I cant seem to find a job here in Colorado if my life depended on it. No one here wants to hire me.. why? I have no idea...I never get an answer from anyone... Now.. once again.... I am looking at staying here and giving up my dogs.. FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!! He just texted me asking if I would still cut his hair tonight.. I replied " you should have put that in your budget".. he replied " ok" ... ASSHOLE!!! Im so wigged out right now.. I dont know what to do.. Sorry all.. Im emotionally drained and he hasn' come home yet from work. February 22 A tough decision..... but I made it.!
Decisions.........Decisions.......UGH! I hate making them...Decisions...Espically with very little guiadiance from people I trust. I just do not know what to do. I am caught in the middle. I love my husband which got a job in a different state...and I love my teenage boys that live here. I am having a tough time finding work here. I should hear about a cashier job at a truck stop sometime today... as the time ticks by, I am thinking I have a lesser and lesser chance of getting the job.. But I am still trying to keep hope. If I dont get this job, then what? how long will it be before I can find another job? Do I stay here where finding employment is tough, or do I go to Vegas and at least try and see what is there and see if I like it..... see if it would be easier for me to get employment and for us to make ends meet. I am seriousley thinking of going there to Vegas to at least try and see. As much as I would hate to be away from my boys.... I am going to talk and think about this...This is by far one of the hardest decisions I will have to make in my life. February 21 He got the jobI just got word that Chuck got the job in vegas. He starts March 20th... THANKS for the fucking notice CHUCK ASSWIPE!! I have now permenantly kicked him out on the couch forever..now Im busy for the next 30 days - UGH! February 05 Not keeping up with my blogs...Good Morning! First, I want to apologize for not being able to keep up with my blogs..This has become a very difficult thing in my life for me to do. It's not that I dont have the time to update it as I find myself in front of the computer for hours and hours on end each day, but more the difficulity of living through this confusing pain in my life. I am so confused and hurt...I never thought I will feel this sort of pain... of course.. Im sure alot of people have spoken these same words when facing a divorce/separation from someone they truley loved. I honestly saw myself growing old with Chuck...I saw us as grandparents.. very happy with each other....But I am having a tough time coming to the realization that that my never be. I found more devistationg crap Chuck is doing online yesterday.. OK.. I have been telling him I am not snooping around anymore... and I wasn't...but yesterday I saw some emails in his inbox that got my curiosity up...So I looked at them...he had joined an adult erotic website.. Im not sure IF he paid ot join, or if they had a new member intro special & thats when he joined... but this is what has now devistated me -- His profile and what he put in there... Look --> Description married Ok.. I think you NOW get the idea of my feelings...I put the smilies away lol..But seriousley..WTF Chuck?!?!? I am now scared that I MAY catch an STD from a "descreet" encounter he decides to have. I wish I had the funds to just pack up and move to another place...He would NOT have found me here last night when he got home from work if I did... He told me that he would never cheat on me.. I sent him this in his Myspace mail.. I am guessing he did read it sometime last night after I went to bed: I want to know, what ever happened to when you told me you would never cheat on me? What am I NOT doing for you that you ARE looking to cheat??? or should I say " for a DESCREET ENCOUNTER " ????? He has not replied to me..We will see what happens...we slept in the same bed last night...something I am finding harder and harder to do. I am also scared because I have heard so many other women get killed because of problems in their marriage... not that he has ever threatened me... but just cuz I see it alot in the news... I want out NOW.. but am seriousley working on getting out... I got my check from my vehicle settlement yesterday... I am looking at vehicles and trying to find one to buy..I am also trying to get another job...UGH! Went to an interview yesterday morning & filled out a job application... Am suppose to hear something towards the end of the week....we will see...I have no idea how it went. I am looking for another place to move to, but I know the first thing they would require is for me to have a job :-( SO I dont know....Im trying my best but my heart is so confused and broken right now... but I am trying my best to move on...I also filed for unemployment last week.. Well I am going to go and watch the morning news...see how stupid Denverites will be in driving in the morning commute with the snow we had yesterday... Bright Blessings Kitty |
I am soo stressed out. I talked to Chuck today. I felt in talking to him on the phone earlier that something was not right. I finally got out of him what has been on his mind today. ME going to Vegas with him... He is holding against me what has happened with my employment the last few years. He thinks I wont be able to hold a job there. Just because crap has happened to me and I have lost a job the last few years for one reason or another....He asked me if I got a job there and lost it in a few months, what would I do? I told him I would get another... but he doesnt seem to beleive me.
bi 
wht male looking for discreet 
Discreet 
|
|
