Morning,  Just waking up a bit and thought I would make another attempt to keep up on my site. I really wish I could keep up with posting more about my bereaving. I go through alot more than I post. Not having the internet at home is one thing that makes it tough to keep up.... but there is also me forgetting about it as well as just keeping busy too.

  This past Thursday was my moms's birthday. She would have been 60 this year. I could hear her comment now as if she was right here with me, " Big deal... just another day older and deeper in debt". Yes...mom that is true, but also it would have been another year together. Now we are only together in spirit...... I suppose.....That is one part of life... if you will.... that I am still so very confused about. I still do not know what I really beleive. Maybe I never will be satisfied in what to beleive and I will always have a sense of being lost in that way. I am not at all happy or comfortable with feeling lost.

  I don't talk to my mom all that much now she is no longer with us... I just dont feel comfortable with it. I miss her soo much.... I know she does visit with me and comes around, so she does know whats going on in my life, but I just dont feel comfortable with talking wthout her here psysically... Crazy I guess cuz she wont be around here psysically anymore....

  I have noticed that now us kids are more closer to each other since her passing. Yes... I am a bit more closer to my sister.... eventhough at times we still have our spats.

  I am surprised as to how well I had handled my mom's birthday. ALthough I was a bit concerned earlier in the week when I woke up on Monday. I had lots of anxiety & was feeling verry depressed. I didnt have alot of zest in my spirit to want to live. I wanted to be with my mom more. Felt the weight of living without her and really didnt want that anymore.....that was  untill I stopped and thought about my kids , husband , and brother.  I thought about what life would be like for them without me here. I feel it may really mess everyone up if I were to commite suiscide.

   I had also thought about what would happen to my spirit if I did commite suiscide. Will I even go to the same place as my mom is at if I did?? I prefere to let life go on and find out when the time comes when I am called. I really don't want to take the chance of not able to be with my mom because I took my life instead of being called to end my life.

 I want to see my boys grow up and live life as an adult.  Carl I imagine will end up being alot like me & Rob... I see alot of us in him.. He has a sense of humor... likes gadgets...not worried about name brand items  but yet would love to have some nice items if possible. Now SHane... Im unsure about lol. He is a gamer. He loves his games. He will prolly be a blue collar worker like us as well... maybe he will find an interest in IT??? I know thers money to be made there.... Well I suppose I will see if it is ment to be.

 Well It's time to eat breakfast and start my day..My kids are here so I have to care for them as well..

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